SATIRE - MINUTES FROM A BOARD MEETING

MINUTES FROM A RECENT 2000 ST. REGIS BOARD MEETING

Board members in attendance:

Judy Weismann

Mary Theodore

Fran Carroll

Tom Mull

and one or two others.

I. New Business:

The board wanted to order a pizza for themselves and the 90 residents who attended tonight’s meeting. A call was made to a pizza delivery service the board assured everyone was reputable.

The phone call went as follows:

WEISMANN: Hello, Pizza Man. Of the over 90 people in attendance tonight, only a few of us are hungry, and only about four of us absolutely need to eat.

PIZZA MAN: So how can I help you?

CARROLL: Well, since everyone needs food to sustain themselves, and since everyone here is going to have to eat again eventually, just send over 700 pizzas.

PIZZA MAN: How many?

CARROLL: 700. And tell your driver to hurry up, because I want to get this meeting over with so I can watch Dancing With the Stars!

THEODORE: Shut up, Judy.

CARROLL: You shut up, Mary!

WEISMANN: Yes, 700 hundred pizzas sounds reasonable.

PIZZA MAN: Are you sure? I hear a lot of objection in the background.

WEISMANN: Those are just the residents we’re ordering this pizza for.

THEODORE: And we’re going to have some, too, don’t forget!

CARROLL: But it’s mostly an emergency, for those four or five who really need to eat, so just send over the 900 pizzas.

PIZZA MAN: I thought it was supposed to be 700?

WEISMANN: Other things came up.

PIZZA MAN: All right. Let me give you a total.

CARROLL: You can do that?

PIZZA MAN: … um, yeah. It’s a pretty standard business practice to know how much something is going to cost before you agree to pay for it.

Silence.

THEODORE: Clearly, someone does not have any experience serving on a condominium board!

PIZZA MAN: And you ladies do?

WEISMANN, CARROLL, THEODORE: Years and years worth!

PIZZA MAN: Then you’re sure everyone can afford this?

Silence.

DICKLER: If they can’t, they don’t deserve to live here!

WEISMANN: That’s our attorney.

PIZZA MAN: You pay him to talk to your residents that way?

MULL: Is this meeting over yet? Because I need a smoke.

WEISMANN: Just start working and delivering the pizzas and we’ll worry about how we’re going to pay for it later.

CARROLL: It might save money if we picked it up instead of having to tip a driver.

THEODORE: I nominate Mark J. Ranieri!

RANIERI: I accept! I’ll be happy to pick up the 975 pizzas. And instead of having to tip a driver, you’ll only have to pay me a percentage of the final cost of the 999 pizzas!

WEISMANN, CARROLL, THEODORE: Agreed!

PIZZA MAN: I’m sorry. This is wrong. I can hear the residents objecting to this even if you can’t. I can’t be part of any business transaction like this. I don’t know anyone of conscience who could. Goodbye, St. Regis Board.

WEISMANN: Now who are we supposed to order the pizzas from?

RANIERI: I know somebody!